Sometimes we need to just smile in the rain.

Many of us who are dealing with grief and loss can easily become entrenched in the deep muck of depression.  When things don’t go like we have planned, it’s easy to get discouraged.  It has happened to me.  It happens to millions across the planet.

We look at ourselves, wondering how in the world we have gotten into the situation we are in.  You may be one who has lost a loved one.  I lost my first wife in 2008.  Maybe you are still searching for a job when Covid stopped your paycheck from coming each month.  Maybe your friends have gone different ways, and you feel alone.  When these feelings start rolling, it is hard to keep them in check and balance.  If we don’t watch, they can quickly swallow us.

How does depression from loss swallow someone?

We usually credit depression with the blame.  We label it, acknowledge it, and shake its hand, saying it has done another well-done job of destroying someone’s life.  I recently discovered that many times depression is not the real problem. Shocking, I know.

A quick search of the internet will support this thought.  Does anger play a deeper role in the holes of depression we find ourselves in?  Well, before you dismiss this, let’s take a closer look.  

One of the most clear-cut examples of what I’m trying to describe is found in the life of Jonah.  We all know the story.  Jonah was swallowed by a great fish when he refused to go to Nineveh and preach repentance to the lost and evil people.  Though he tried to run from God and his mission, things caught up with him.  In the end, he did listen.  Jonah went to Nineveh to preach.  He must have done a good job, because the people actually turned from their wicked ways and followed true repentance.  God’s grace on Nineveh was perfected.  The story should have ended well.

Jonah 3:10- When God saw what they did, how they turned from their evil way, God relented of the disaster that he had said he would do to them, and he did not [destroy them].

But Jonah was terribly saddened.  In fact, he was so disheartened he was ready to die.

What on earth?

Jonah 4:1-3- But it displeased Jonah exceedingly, and he was angry. And he prayed to the Lord and said, “O Lord, is not this what I said when I was yet in my country? That is why I made haste to flee to Tarshish; for I knew that you are a gracious God and merciful, slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love, and relenting from disaster. Therefore now, O Lord, please take my life from me, for it is better for me to die than to live.”

At this point, I’m ready to slap Jonah across the face and say, “what’s wrong with you?” I know that my finger is ready to point his way.  “Knock it off,” I might suggest.  But I better get a good look at myself first.  

We’ve all done it, haven’t’ we?  We’ve all had those inner thoughts that we aren’t proud of, those thoughts we know aren’t right, true, or holy.  We have those feelings, like “Hey Lord, what gives?"  Bitterness.  Resentment.  Thoughts of injustice.  We’ve had the thoughts of “I’ve followed you my whole life and it sure isn’t a smooth road.  Those jokers in Ninevah haven’t followed you for five minutes. . . and you spare them?”

As with Jonah, we often can trace our thoughts further down the road than just a depressive thought.  It might be hard to do in the moment, but often, anger is at the root, not depression.  Jonah didn't start as depressed; he was angry.

When we really look deep into the heart of our problems, we can see the lurking signs of anger.  Though anger leads to bitterness, and bitterness leads to depression, depression is all we usually see.

I discovered this as God walks me through life and has joined me up with a great godly man as a mentor.  We meet from time to time and discuss spiritual things, lean on each other, and sharpen iron with iron.  I highly suggest that each of you seek out a godly man or woman to bond with.  The times are too perilous.  We need to strengthen each other in life.  Find someone solid to pray with, talk with, focus on God with.  Anyway. . .

What does the dance of anger-depression look like in real life?

You lost a baby.  He went full term, and delivery went wrong.  You were devastated-took three weeks to even leave the house.  When you did start being social again, all you notice are babies.  They are everywhere.  You can’t get away from them.  Even at home, on your phone or computer, everyone is posting baby pictures on Facebook.  You can’t stand to even roll through your feed.  You go to church, there are babies everywhere.  It makes you sick.  You go to the grocery store and a kid is being yelled at by a grouchy mom who is tired of being in the store.  You feel injustice.  If you had a kid, you wouldn’t scream at him like that.  Anger boils inside of you.  You drive home.  The bitterness of all those happy parents in your face drives you to the edge of a hole.  You jump in.  The hole is named depression.

You lost your job.  You were really good at it.  You were at that company for 20 years.  Everyone knew how good you were at what you did, and that you loved your career.  It’s been a month and you can’t find another job.  You are at a men’s meeting, and you hear someone else say how unfair their job seems to be.  Unfair?  They don’t know what unfair is!  They still have a job.  Unfair is losing your job when you did your best at it.  Unfair is that the economy took your job away when it is what you loved to wake up to.  How dare they complain about their job.  They still have jobs!  Angry, you bury it inside and disengage from the conversation.  Bitterness sets in.  You can’t look at the guys the same anymore.  You get home, tell your wife all about it, how unfair it is, how ridiculous they all were.  The TV gets turned on as you tune out.  You back into a corner, needing some form of entertainment to take the pain away.  Depression knocks on the door.  You open it and allow your enemy inside.

You’ve been married for years-too many to count.  You’ve tried so hard to make your marriage fulfilling, yet it seems as nothing but a struggle.  You and your wife are at odds about everything.  She never seems to respect you.  She nags you all the time.  There never is any recharge in the relationship.  At church you noticed a young couple in the section across from you.  They actually sat close.  They were engaged with each other emotionally.  When he looked her way, there was a sparkle in her eye, a gleam that spoke of how important she felt and reciprocated it back to him.  You look the other way, and an elderly couple is doing the same.  Bald and gray, they sat close, holding hands, listening intently to each other.  But there is no sparkle in your wife’s eyes.  In fact, they seem like daggers lately.  But if you look elsewhere, how many women are in each and every corner waiting for you with sparkling eyes?  Isn’t the internet full of them?  The TV?  Yet that is off limits for a Christian man, right?  Anger surfaces.  Bitterness that there are sparkling eyes everywhere except in your marriage. Bitterness that you can’t even go looking for a sparkle-as sin is standing at the door.  But is sin already present?  Disillusioned, disheartened, you look for some way to cope.  Nothing satisfies.  You resent your wife for not meeting your needs.  You back into a dark hallway, one long with no light in sight.  Depression takes your hand, leads you.  You don’t even know where you’re going.

It's tough. I get it.

So now that you can see what I’m saying, what on earth do we do about it?

Luke 15:25-32-“Now his older son was in the field, and as he came and drew near to the house, he heard music and dancing. And he called one of the servants and asked what these things meant. And he said to him, ‘Your brother has come, and your father has killed the fattened calf, because he has received him back safe and sound.’ But he was angry and refused to go in. His father came out and entreated him, but he answered his father, ‘Look, these many years I have served you, and I never disobeyed your command, yet you never gave me a young goat, that I might celebrate with my friends. But when this son of yours came, who has devoured your property with prostitutes, you killed the fattened calf for him!’ And he said to him, ‘Son, you are always with me, and all that is mine is yours. It was fitting to celebrate and be glad, for this your brother was dead, and is alive; he was lost, and is found.’”

Jesus told this parable for the clear and obvious reason that the Lord is waiting with open arms for the lost and wandering soul who hits rock bottom, and realizes they need to come back to God.  He also tells us this parable to help us see what we are supposed to do from the other side of the coin.  We can’t lose focus of what is really important.  It’s not really all about you, and it’s not really all about me either.  Is it?  It’s not really all about the now, the who is right or wrong, the who gets the last word.  If we really have the heart of Jesus, we need to be happy for others when they come to the Lord, when they have a baby born, when they get the promotion, when a young couple shares starry eyes with each other, and when someone achieves that something that you’ve been striving for for years.  

It’s not easy.

Taken from my mentor, “God’s overall focus in on the spiritual not the physical-sometimes at the expense of the physical.”

We need to lay our bitterness and anger down.  Nobody wants depression to come, and it is standing at the door.

Ephesians 4:32-32

Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.

Sometimes we need to smile, even if it’s still raining.

Let me ask you this: will you benefit more by holding on to resentment and injustice or by letting go so the power of God can work in you?  Will your testimony be more powerful by holding on to the pain and resentment of what that person did to you or by the power of forgiveness working in the situation?

Doesn’t God know what he is doing?

What if the lost son’s brother would have been happy that he had come home? What if Jonah would have danced in the streets as God’s mercy had spared the Ninevites?

Some, would say that the celebration for the lost brother would have been better.  There would have been more joy in his heart.  He would have been blessed with a full reunion.  Some would say that the people of Nineveh would have rejoiced even greater.  Maybe they would have had a praise and worship festival for the whole week.

But me?  I think a little different.  The real victory of the story would have been from the other side of the coin. Suppose that the heart of the other son, the heart of Jonah, neither would have been bound by the terrible dread of an anger leading to depression.  They could have been free.  They could have reaped the benefits of a free, light, and easy spirit.  If you ask me. . . THEY are the ones who could have benefitted. It's a terrible shame they didn't.

Smiling even when it rains benefits those who are around you, yes.  Most people don’t really want to hang out with someone who is down in the dumps.  But smiling when it rains benefits YOU as well.  Smiling in the rain will give you a relief that cannot be found or gained by anything else other than laying down the hard-edged thoughts and feelings that plague us, chase us, and destroy us inside.  Smiling in the rain gives us the freedom-true freedom, to be ourselves and not be bound down with unnecessary burdens.

It takes God’s grace. It takes God's strength. But you can do it.

Ask him for it.

And yes, you too, will be smiling, even while it’s still raining.

By Chuck Carr